It started with Hannah Wilkinson thumping one into the net from close range on July 20, and ended with Mary Earps yelling ‘fuck off’ after Jenni Hermoso’s penalty on August 20.
It began with a bang and ended with a bit of a downer; with a final between Spain, whose federation showed how much they don’t care about women and continue to let an abusive man handle the reins, ostracizing players from the national team, and England, who are, well, England.
But in that one-month period, the 2023 FIFA World Cup had everything. History makers. Moments of glory. Incidents of anguish. Shocks. Stunners. Fun lip-reading Twitter video edits. Memes and early morning calls. Glorious football. Direct corner-kick goals. Millimetre madness. VAR announcements. Absurd goals. Absurd own goals. Penalty marathons. And Mary Earps yelling ‘fuck off’.
Was this the greatest World Cup of all time? Most likely, yes.
Was this the most communal World Cup of all time? Most certainly, without doubt.
The digital age meant not just watching this tournament but living it. Sometimes directly. Every time vicariously through social media.
Despite the efforts of many, including the literal custodian of the administration meant to curate and promote the tournament (yes, you, Gianni), we were served holy perfection in Australia and New Zealand, leaving the question ‘how do we even top this next time’ (alongside the question of ‘who on earth is hosting it in 2027?’).
We may never have another like it.
So, here’s to you, The Greatest World Cup of all time.
Moment of the Tournament
Was it when the Jamaican players fell to their knees after the final whistle on August 2nd confirmed they’d seen off Brazil?
Or when Morocco got confirmation that they would be making it to the knockout phase in their first ever tournament?
Or seeing Nouhaila Benzina play for the Atlas Lionesses in her hijab and making history in the process?
Was it Manuela Vanegas’ header against Germany in the group stage?
Or Asisat Oshoala’s eternal celebration against co-hosts Australia?
Or when the entire Australian nation exploded after Courtnee Vine’s winning kick in the shootout against France?
Why wasn’t it Lina Hurtig’s penalty against USA, and the agonies of a millimetre?
Or the handshake from Vecira Musovic afterwards?
Or, simply Mary Earps yelling ‘fuck off’?
There were more than a few incredible moments from an incredible tournament. Yet, perhaps the best moment was the one with the most vibe.
CHANTELLE SWABY, you’ll always be famous!
Game of the Tournament
Speaking of Swaby and the vibes, for the sheer vibes, Colombia vs Jamaica is up there among the games of the tournament.
Colombia also served us a great fest against Germany.
Australia vs England in the semi-final provided from the get-go, and France v Australia gave us a shoot-out we didn’t think was possible after the drama of USA vs Sweden.
And the final had us on the edge despite our feelings towards both teams.
For sheer breathless high-intensity football, though, there’s probably no other answer than FRANCE VS BRAZIL in the group stage. A game that made you out of breath just by watching, one which we were certain the intensity that greeted the first 20 minutes wouldn’t last the whole affair. We were wrong. Breathlessly, passionately, incredibly wrong.
Quote of the Tournament
Thank you, ALLYSHA CHAPMAN. Thank you so much.
Performance of the Tournament
Alex Greenwood was untouchable for England against Colombia in the Last Eight.
Zecira Musovic was ridiculous for Sweden when they knocked the USA.
Katrina Gorry was limitless in virtually every waking moment of this tournament.
Selma Bacha gave 120 minutes of relentless energy for France against Australia.
Catalina Usme went up and down the pitch for Colombia against Jamaica, then did the same against England four days later.
Yet, and this may be the bias speaking, look no further than August 7th for the best performance of this tournament. When Nigeria played England in the Last 16, HALIMOTU AYINDE did such a tactical masterclass of dealing with the English midfield, you’d think she was single-handedly demanding colonial reparations. She gave all there was to give, and then some more, just because she bloody could!
Most Committed Fan
We heard endless roars and saw countless shouts from supporters in this tournament.
The best of the lot was the passenger in an Emirates flight full of Australians who tuned in to watch the Matildas shootout against France. Except they weren’t one of those watching the shootout.
Biggest Disappointment
You really have to be something to take away this category from Gianni Infantino, who, for the umpteenth time as FIFA president, felt like an obtuse disrespectful knob. Yet, somehow, he doesn’t win this round.
First off, sarcastic hats off to Nike, for the goalkeeper shirts we’re still waiting for.
Then mazel tov to the Nigerian, Jamaican, and Haitian football federations, among others, whose teams endeared themselves to the world despite the utter shitshow provided by the suits above.
But, really, though, it has to be SPAIN, it’s football federation, and coach Jorge Vilda, for reminding us that as great as women’s football on the pitch can be, there are the men off it who go out of their way to make it as unbearable as they can. This World Cup triumph was meant to be the culmination of setup of players that had been coming up from the Under-17 levels since 2018, and the pace-setting Barcelona club team. Yet it gets asterisked because of the ghoul in the dugout and atop the federation, who had the audacity to celebrate post-match.
Congratulations, you earned the finger emoji, even though everyone knows you deserve so much worse. Make do.
Goal of the Tournament
Honourable mentions: Linda Caicedo’s moment of breathtaking magic against Germany. Brazil’s third against Panama was a team goal so good it made the concept of group projects have a rethink. Caitlin Foord’s opener against Denmark had the blessing of the tournament’s greatest assist from Mary Fowler; rivalled by the one from Young-Ju Lee that set up So-Hyun Cho against Germany. When Spain got shellshocked and needed a response in the semis vs Sweden, Olga Carmona told us she’d handle it, and thumped one in off the bar. Leicy Santos did an absurd lob against England, which gets all-round perfect points for audacity, technique, and overall execution. And Katie McCabeKatie McCabed one in from a corner for Ireland’s first-ever goal in the Women’s World Cup.
Yet, this is a no-contest. You’re in a World Cup semi-final, in your home nation. Your country is a goal down, midway through the second half, and you collect the ball from just beyond the half-way line, quite isolated, with three elite defenders near you. What do you do?
Biggest ‘I’m Her’ Moment
Kerr came into this tournament struggling with fitness and sat out of most of Australia’s games. She only scored once, but it was that goal.
Linda Caicedo breezed through the German defence like it was the early days of the Franco-Prussian war and planted one into the top corner.
Mackenzie Arnold saved three penalties in one shoot-out, and Amanda Ilestedt owned virtually every set-piece moment for Sweden.
Alyssa Naeher stood up for USA against Sweden in a penalty shoot-out and thumped one into the net with a combination nonchalance, and coolness, which is incredible enough, then you factor in how she’s the USA goalkeeper.
The winner though, is 19-year-old SALMA PARALLUELO, who sat on Spain’s bench for an hour of the semi-final against Sweden, and said ‘nah, I’m not having this’, came on, and injected life into the game, four days after deciding the quarter-final against the Netherlands.
Save of the Tournament
Chiamaka Nnadozie’s stop from the penalty spot against Canada in Nigeria’s first group game is the definition of a defining moment, which pretty much altered the direction of both sides in the tournament.
Any of Zecira Musovic’s stop against USA is worth winning on its own.
If penalty shoot-outs count, Australia’s Mackenzie Arnold saved Kenza Dali’s penalty in the quarter-final; was asked to do it again for paperwork reasons, and then did.
But step forward the winner, in AYAKA YAMASHITA, whose jaw-dropping save against Norway in the final moments of Japan’s Last 16 win would probably have been capable of keeping the global economy intact.
Biggest Schadenfreude
The USWNT made that ad. Then underwhelmed in their first two games, came within a few millimetres of being knocked out by Portugal in their third, and got knocked by Sweden in their fourth. Sadly, lack of success by women sporting entities in the USA always morphs from a potential for schadenfreude into an unofficial digital ‘unite the right’ rally.
Miss of the Tournament
We thought the tournament was done and dusted, then Rishi Sunak came up with a big one right at the death.
Team of the Tournament
Japan deserved better than getting done by set-pieces against Sweden.
Colombia were very much neutrals favourites, and rightfully so.
But this category has to be AUSTRALIA, for the way the Matildas propelled an entire nation for four incredible weeks, injecting hope, joy, drama, ecstasy, and yes, agony into the atmosphere, you’d almost be tempted to forget that that settler-colonial nation is a settler-colonial nation. If you bottled the energy the Matildas brought and provided throughout this past month and managed to mass produce it, you’d create a drug epidemic not seen since Ronald Reagan funded Contras in Nicaragua.
XI of the Tournament
(3-4-3) Zecira Musovic – Jess Carter; Alana Kennedy; Alex Greenwood – Hayley Raso; Katrina Gorry; Aitana Bonmati; Olga Carmona – Hinata Miyazawa; Linda Caicedo; Salma Paralluelo.
Substitutes: Mary Earps; Amanda Ilestedt, Michelle Alozie, Ona Batlle,; Kyra Cooney-Cross, Elin Rubensson, Teresa Abelleira, Selma Bacha; Lauren Hemp, Mary Fowler, Alessia Russo.
Player of the Tournament
Olga Carmona deserves a mention and a half, for being that good, in an environment that toxic, as does Teresa Abelleira.
Hinata Miyazawa gave us so much with Japan in so little time, it’s such a tragedy we didn’t have her with us in this tournament for longer.
Michelle Alozie’s penalty miss for Nigeria in their shoot-out defeat was a tiny blip in an incredibly outstanding tournament.
What’s not to love and admire with Linda Caicedo’s displays?
And Katrina Gorry covered blade of grass and created a midfield with Kyra Cooney-Cross so rich in chemistry, Nancy Meyers would be staring in part-awe, part-envy.
Yet, it has to be her; AITANA BONMATI, who was also unfortunate to have come to this World Cup with the horrible Spain administration. Elegant, classy, and untouchable on the pitch. Every touch an expected moment of magic from a player who wrote her name all over the events in Australia and New Zealand. What did the Spanish Number 6 do in this tournament? Nothing wrong.
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