What's that 'Pep Guardiola Meme' again about 'being tired'? Never mind.
No sooner did we make merry at England losing another European final and moved on to the Olympics, are we preparing for another new season; and the thing with football is that - as sadistic, depressing, sometimes boring, all the times, and borderline unhealthy as it has become - it manages to find some narratives to bring out every season to get one intrigued; like the last line of defence for the notion of 'Innovation under Capitalism'.
Well, here we are. At the dawn of 2024/25 (ushered in by the 2.Bundesliga, as always). So, what's on the menu?
20. The Big Meme
There’s usually one… rather, a few, that pop up in the season on Football (aka Madcap aka ‘Grow Up’) Twitter. And right now, there’s a sense that we will see that Yusuf Dikec quote (not the one to Apartheid Clyde) or just image reused and overused, it might make the era of the Fan-Made-Box-Midfield Formations feel like paradise.
19. HSV are there Forever
Up until 2018. Hamburg were always in the German Bundesliga. There was a clock and everything, about how HSV never go down from the country’s top-flight, however horrific it got. Well, in 2018, it got too horrific for even survival. And since, they haven’t been back; not just that, in fact, they’ve found dramatic and Shakespearian-ly tragic ways to not come back in those six years. Somehow, some way, however good it looks, it happens. Even when it looks like it’s not. Even when you’re away from watching the 2. Bundesliga, and you peep at the table in November and see them 6 points clear at the top, it’s still happening. Like Sisyphus, condemned to roll that boulder towards an automatic promotion spot in the German Division, only to hear that Heidenheim have scored two stoppage-time goals.
18. The Unknown Good Team from Nowhere
There’s generally one. That side we didn’t put much focus in – maybe because they’re unknown, or in a league you don’t usually – that becomes overtly fascinating, and we all have to tell ourselves we watched them last week, even though we all know we didn’t. Speaking of…
17. Francesco Farioli at Ajax
We don’t know how this will go, but it should be interesting (at least early on), and they could be the team we all ‘watch’. Mostly, this is shopping a certain Tifo analyst to make a video/thread/both on Ajax in late September.
16. Do you Know Have Southampton Lost 9-0 in the Premier League?
It’s even happened more than once. You’d think we’re sick of hearing that every 3 Premier League games with the Saints, but broadcasters don’t agree. This is one thing Southampton fans were probably worried about when the final whistle blew in that play-off final in May.
15. New UEFA Champions League Format
This probably deserves a full pager on its own (and may get one). But, for now, SIGGGHHHHHHHHHH.
14. Ange Postecoglou Love-In
It shall continue.
13. Hate for the Ange Postecoglou Love-In
So shall it.
12. Thiago Motta’s Juventus
Excitement looks to be heading towards Turin this season. A sense of innovation and a likely change of direction might be happening with the former eternal Italian champions. If the first statement is probably what was said when Maurizio Sarri took the job in 2019, the second was probably said when Andrea Pirlo replaced him in 2020. Both projects were ultimately killed before they could really get anywhere (like Aiden and Josh’s beautiful romance in Season 2 of The Originals). Thiago Motta is the latest to take charge with the aim of revamping the atmosphere with the club, his rather unjust for incredible work with Bologna. There have been some clearing of the backlog with players, and new faces, which bodes well for the former Barcelona and Inter man. Additionally, Motta meets Juve at a lower place than Sarri did. Plus, the rather fraught departure of Max Allegri means Juventus will be unlikely to turn to their former manager if things look iffy in November. Perhaps this would be where that Tifo (and other platforms) video on tactics in late September comes from.
11. The Arne Slot Jurgen Klopp Equivalencies
For the first time in nine years, the manager in the Liverpool dugout won’t be Jurgen Klopp. Which means a massive reduction in the Pumped Up Celebrations in the Premier League, a death of the beloved Pep vs Klopp era, and many more. Arne Slot is the replacement, and his transition to a different mode of playing may not be only thing that gets under the microscope at Anfield this season. The manager should get the time he needs to get Liverpool going his way, on and off the pitch; just the pesky matter of avoiding the spotlight for the first few months. Deal with the nauseating press conference questions early, Arne. They will come. It’s fucking England.
10. Xabi Alonso’s Bayer Leverkusen
File this one under ‘No Brainer’ for the new season. Xabi Alonso and Leverkusen were largely the talk of town last season, and after 10 months and 51 lucky breaks, his side finally got exposed for the fraud they are in the Europa League final in May, aka their only defeat of the season. They haven’t lost a domestic game since May 2023, and no matter what happens, they will be in the headlines – whether the run is finally ended or it seems like it won’t bloody end. Here’s hoping for two seasons in a row.
9. Man City’s End-of-Season Run-In
We know!!
8. Vincent Kompany at Bayern Munich
Yeah, this is definitely taking a spot in the limelight this season, no matter the direction it goes. Throw in the Harry Kane thing into the Narrative Mixer, and duck for cover.
7. The Emily Oram Hot List
If you don’t know what this is; it’s simple: wait until the eve of the Premier League season. You’ll see.
6. That VAR PGMOL Statement
It’s coming. You know it is. Everyone knows it is. After the rest of the Premier League voted to stab Wolves in the back in the June, here’s hoping the first big flashpoint comes after Wolves get away with it and steal a late winner against of the sides. That’ll show ‘em. Completely unrelated: What Game is happening on the 31st of August?
5. Pep praise for Hurzeler
We know it’s coming. It’s the weekend of November 9th, and this is working on the assumption that it goes to plan for Brighton under Football Manager beloved Fabian Hurzeler. If it does, you can almost predict the direction of Pep Guardiola’s praise for the Seagulls and their Should-Be-A-Villain-In-YA-Film manager during the pre-match talks. It will be as lovely as it will be derided, and it will certainly trend. Final Score: Brighton 3-7 Man City.
4. Real Madrid and Kylian Mbappe
It finally happened. And frankly, it didn’t have that much off-field excitement, probably because we maxed that out in 2022. But we trust the excitement to be on the pitch, when Kylian Mbappe finally plays as a Blanco. It’s gone sideways for star signings at Real Madrid before (yeah, maybe one or two), but really, there’s no way this goes wrong. Where Mbappe truly fits in tactically is still not a completely answered question, and one will Carlo Ancelotti will most likely answer during the season than before, but this only goes way. Surely.
3. The Carl Anka Amnesty
In truth, this should be Number 1. Sometimes, football can be a depressing disappointment. From what is has become, to the atmosphere, characters, and general attitude surrounding it, and in the end; Man City win the Premier League, and Real Madrid win the Champions League. But one thing that never fails to excite – for Football Twitter at least – is the Carl Anka Amnesty Takes. It’s the chance you get to purge yourself of that nagging take that no editor is commissioning you to write anything about, and you don’t really want to, because, honestly, after a first paragraph, you realise why it’s a Take. The Anka Amnesty Hour (new title?) allows you to drop, and move on; dispatch that payload, and forget the consequences; and sometimes, you might even be right. On a personal note, the trick is think faintly about the take early on, then when you see the prompt, drop the one that comes into your head. It’s Football’s Greatest Mushroom Cloud.
2. The England Job
F. Gary Gray is definitely not doing a remake of this one with Mark Wahlberg and Charlize Theron. Yeah, Gareth Southgate, you really should have announced this before the Euros, and let England get someone in before the season started. This discourse; rumours, speculations, blood-boiling press conferences; will have legs for a while, and simply kick us in the face during that time. Picture this; an article about how Leicester’s canny win at Arsenal in September increased Steve Cooper’s stock for the national team role; or Gary O’Neil suddenly leading the run-in after Wolves win 4 in 5 in October; or Eddie Howe getting the job is inevitable; the jokes about it being Frank Lampard; or even cheeky-not-jokes ones about it being Sean Dyche. Brace yourselves for a sustained period of tedium, right before the English FA get us out of our misery and appoint Roy Hodgson in late November.
1. Jose Mourinho at Fenerbahce
Yes, deal with it!
Kylian Mbappe’s great feats at Real Madrid will become normalised. The Carl Anka Amnesty takes will take a step back in August until January. England will eventually hire someone. But this will go on for the whole season. Fenerbahce haven’t won the Turkish Super League since 2011, and even that one remains heavily contentious. They may well be in the League Format of the Champions League this season and come up against some big names. Plus, the club have developed a persona around finding forces seemingly conspiring against them, and there’s that introduction speech by Jose Mourinho when he was unveiled. This is like if a club was Klaus Mikaelson and it hired Palpatine to run its affairs. No matter what happens, we might get a documentary out of this. If he wins the league, Andy Garcia plays him in a movie in 2028.
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